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DaveT's blog

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Yesterday afternoon a very bizarre and possibly tragic incident occurred: A semi-notorious paedophile suffered the shock of his life when he himself was raped by a minor. If that is not strange enough, the minor turned out to be an eighteen-month-old Alsation.

The dog, whose name we may not disclose for legal reasons, attacked the paedophile at about 14:00 in his own back garden. When interviewed, the paedophile said that he was "devastated" that he would be the victim of such a heinous and unnatural act. He also expressed a considerable degree of anger, stating that, "What sickens me is that this puppy didn't suddenly act on an inexplicable attraction; dogs choose whom or what they are attracted to, and it's obvious that this canine had been wandering the streets for days as it chose its victim. Unfortunately for me, I was the choice."

The paedophile tried to struggle, but was subdued by means of repeated bites and scratches on his behind. He required seventeen stitches, but was lucky not to require eighteen. We interviewed the paedophile's neighbour, who simply snorted and said, "He got what he deserved." The dog's lawyer informed us that it would be impossible for us to interview his client; however, a local psychologist informs us that the dog's version of events may have been, "woof."

Police believe the dog may be part of a wider organisation. They have urged the public to come forward if they see any suspicious dogs roaming the streets in the afternoon. Sex pests have also been urged to turn themselves in so that they may be protected from potential attackers. Authorities are considering monitoring the website of the RSPCA in case the aforementioned organisation are using it to find and groom potential victims.

It's about smashing the sh*t out of unsociables created by society. It's about the violence necessary to complete a good night out. It's about good use of glass. It's about putting all the rage from hours of editing crap articles in some 2nd-rate newspaper into one wild f***ing swing.

It's about the phrase that can only be said in English, lest you fail to get the point across, it's about the marvellous F-word that is essential to that phrase, it's about pride, power, and :puke:

It's about waking up every morning next to some bitch who will tell your wife everything if you don't give her a weekly payment. It's about the spoilt, f*cked-up tw*ts who sit in seminar rooms and spout sophist sh*te as though it's new and irrefutable.

It's about those c***s who think they should have private property, just because they own a gun, two Alsations, and a stupid hat.

It's about peace and war, it's about love and hate, it's about the army being ripped off by expensive equipment that can be defeated by a stupid costume that cost £3.

It's about burning a book and claiming that you're standing up to the most famous terrorist organisations in the world today, whilst pissing your pants for fear that somebody will point out that you're making the most cowardly stand against terrorism ever made. It's about endangering the lives of American soldiers and non-military personnel in Islamic countries. It's about crapping all over any work done for the sake of American-Islamic relations.

It's about products of a library that can be taken away for free and not quite understood. It's about the ridiculous f*cking fine Mike charged me when I put his blog on Facebook and forgot to return it to TGL.

It's about people being trapped between the addictive substances of God and materialism, unwilling or unable to seek out other options. It's about the philosophy of science. It's about the science of philosophy. It's about one being years behind the other whilst being centuries ahead of it.

It's about moaning that people are getting benefits, which shouldn't be allowed, even when they can't work, whilst you're on a f*cking pension. It's about claiming that your pension is a right, not a benefit, even if you've done less for the country than the people on benefits.

It's about believing in free speech until somebody calls you a name you don't like.

It's about my skewer dripping with the blood of some noob from Youtube.

It's about Glenn Beck making more references to Nazism than the History Channel whenever he talks about just about anything.

It's about saying theists all have mental disorders, yet not being able to come up with a single good argument for atheism.

It's about sucking. It's about sucking the blood of the Youtube noob out through his f*cking eyeballs.

It's about saying to a Greek guy, "I want a banana" then wondering why he gives you no banana.

It's about being adamant about your views but unable to defend or justify them when it counts.

It's about saying how life is ultimately more wonderful without God and atheism allows one to enjoy life more, because you don't have to look at your grandparents as they rot away mentally and physically with dementia and cancer, with "This is your f*cking destiny* floating around them. It's about saying that everybody's life is what they make of it, as if Baby P and children who starved to death in the 3rd World willingly chose that fate.

It's about spending a good part of your life and a lot of money getting an education, not to become wiser or a better person, but so that somebody will get you a job, and then being stuck in some petrol station with the moronic SOB who was expelled for multiple offences now being your boss.

It's about being trapped in a monotonous society where some talentless bint with big boobs is more important than political, philosophical, and humanitarian issues.

It's about saving for the future, unable to see the irony of everybody's future being a nothingness in which money is useless. It's about working hard for a promotion, never getting it but seeing the lazy pieces of s*it climb the ladder because they know what the inner regions of the boss's backside taste of.

It's about distracting yourself whenever you can with whatever you can. It's about finding solitude with a good book, because people are almost always too boring for social interaction to be worth leaving the house for. It's about sudden episodes of manic weirdness for no reason that you can explain.

It's about being bored by order yet unable to cope with chaos.

It's about eventually realising that all you really want is peace, solitude, and an escape from everything that ever went wrong.

It's about death.

Rebellion amongst the French; the most ludicrous red card given in the tournament; a game that involved two sides acting out the football equivalent of La Battaglia di Algieri (a rather dull film that doesn't go either way); and the dreaded vuvuzelas - small wonder that Fifa has announced new rules for the remainder of the 2010 World Cup, effective immediately, lest the shambles that has effected multiple scenarios involving over-pampered men running and diving around whilst skilfully keeping their hairstyles and manicures intact result in the game of football being ridiculed.

The rules are as follows:

1) Due to England being unable to best an opponent they thought they'd overcome quickly and easily, the English team has been merged with the USA so that they may receive much-needed support after suffering much loss and humiliation.

2) It is to be expected that the French, being French, will again abandon the pitch at the first sign of aggression from their own side or another; for this reason it has been agreed that the French will allow the Germans into their hotel rooms after their next training session, where they will remain for the remainder of the tournament.

3) Despite attempts to remove them, financially challenged black natives of South Africa are still managing to appear in and around the stadium, thus reminding the players that there are worse things in life than not being able to afford five cars a week or having to actually sleep with their own wives. If the aforementioned group is found within ten miles of the stadium in future, they will be executed.

4) Because South Africa is a fair country, the executions mentioned in Item #3 will not be carried out until the accused have been subject to trial. The judge at these trials will be Stephane Lannoy, who refereed the game between Brazil and the Ivory Coast. Lannoy will also make up the entirety of the jury.

5) Unsolicited comments about fans to the cameras will be dealt with henceforth with a deduction in pay of 5% of daily earnings for a month; however, poor player performance on the pitch will affect neither the pay nor the potential contract of the player with companies such as Lynx and L'Oreal.

6) Because of letters of complaint from disappointed and sexually frustrated bees, vuvuzelas are to be banned. Anybody caught in possession of one will be exiled to Gaza by boat.

7) It has come to our attention that, after the game between England and Algeria, the Scots have taken an interest in the World Cup. Statistics show that the number of Scottish suicides that typically occur during this tournament have fallen by 67%. In celebration of this, haggis will be offered to spectators during the England vs. Slovenia game on Wednesday.

8) The New Zealand team will be allowed to invade the pitch and perform the Ka Mate at any time, provided they do so with the intent to make the Italians soil themselves.

9) Due to the importance of the World Cup, along with this being the first time the tournament has been held in South Africa, Nelson Mandela Day will be replaced by National Football Day, during which all citizens will be paid a thousand times the amount they actually earn (based on their performance in the work place).

10) Portugal will be made to convert half their goals to cash and donate it to cancer research. This is expected to quadruple cancer research funding within a fortnight.

It is the hope of Fifa that these rules will result in more sophisticated, more enjoyable, and more honourable displays during the remainder of this, the most important of challenges between men.

We see them on the high street. Sometimes we even hear them, listening to their high-pitched ranting against our will. Pelican crossings, better known as their recently-made-up street names, such as "beepers," "squawk squawk," and "legal-crossing" have existed as a nuisance and a danger to the public for years, and the government does absolutely nothing to stop them.

Sure, we have heard so-called law-abiding pedestrians defend these devices of death, often with lines such as "They help people to safely cross a road," or "Pelican crossings aren't dangerous," or even the peurile "if the crossing near my house were to be removed, my children would never be able to cross the road to get to school on time in a morning," but such people are deluded addicts whose opinions should never be considered, let alone trusted, because they do not coincide with my own.

As regards the first two defences, according to an anonymous source a man died just last week whilst using a pelican crossing. Other sources have informed me that the man was inebriated, he never pushed the button, and he stepped onto the road just as a bus was about to cross the crossing, but these are irrelevant red herrings at best. The fact is that a man died whilst using a pelican crossing. Whatever the circumstances, surely this is reason enough for us to petition the government to eradicate this evil.

Ah, I hear you shriek, but what about the children getting to school on time? Oh, please! If parents were really that committed to getting their children across a road for the sake of their so-called "education," they'd force the little brats to get a job in order to make money in order to have some bus fare. All we are doing by encouraging them to use pelican crossings is nurturing the early stages of a lamentable addiction.

What is most despicable is that police and teachers in our own country are advocating the use of pelican crossings -known as "peliphedrone" to the apparently more-educated amongst us- to an impressionable and vunerable age group. How many future generations of human beings will have to die before somebody realises the mortal danger that peliphedrone poses?

Anybody who has any shred of morality will undoubtably do whatever it takes to persuade the government to illegalise peliphedrone before it is too late.

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