There are random moments when I become undeniably stuck in "The Abyss". Yea, that not so lovely, bittersweet, utter void of emotion and desire that comes along with musing. Sometimes it happens for a few minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days, somethings a week (hopefully I will never have it longer than a week -- the one time that I found myself stuck in the abyss for a week was a dreadful, dreadful time and the contemplation of suicide was utterly real. No bueno.).
I wont lie to you, dear reader on the interweb whom I will most likely never meet in person and thus feel an odd desire to write to you, I find writing what I'm thinking and feeling out for the world to read entirely theraputic. Yes, this is slightly sketchy, in some ways I feel like the Harry Potter character Ginny Weasely writing in a diary and getting responses from an unknown person, yet, I like it. Already, I am feeling much better than how I felt earlier, to which, here is a sample of how distraught I was:
"I hope someone makes a movie scene with me in it, smoking a cigarette and typing on an old typewriter in nothing but a white men’s button oxford t-shirt and underwear, so it can capture the pompous ass feeling I have right now. Make sure the person playing me is crying sad, angry tears.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I am, what I want to be, where I want to go. I don’t know if I really do think and believe in God or something more. I don’t know if I believe I am even writing this.
Why? Why am I so unsatisfied with what I have? Why do I desire something deeper, something more? Why do I feel like I desperately need something that draws me in and fills me up with completely understanding and fullness? I want to scream and kick at the fucking people who say I need to rely on God or who say it’ll go away with time. It might go away with time and I might need God, but it’s fucking happening to me right goddamn now and I don’t have the fucking strength to get out of this goddamn void by myself! Why the fuck can’t you get that?! Why do I have to cry and scream internally for something that I need but don’t know what the fuck it is I need?!"
Dramatic? Yes. Thereaputic? Absolutely.