AndSheSmiled added a blog entry in AndSheSmiled's MusingsFor God in HeavenDark night of the soul, oh how you have come once again.
In all glory, veiled in mystery and beauty,
Seducing all who God grants you.
Oh, dearest lady, how you take me, violate me into submission.
I hate that I burn for you, yearn for you.
And, oh, how I love the misery you drown me in!
Suffocate me, dearest lover, with abandonment.
Kiss me till I foam at the mouth.
Kill me slowly, shatter me swiftly!
Oh, dearest dark night of the soul, come!
Visit me again and again!
You’ve bewitched me, you horrid queen.
Take my faith and hope,
Force me to cling to your breast,
Begging for a drop of sweet relief!
What a devil I have become, so loving lust with your abyss!
Again and again, I cry!
Black joy from my mind till I cry out in climax!
Oh, sweet, sweet agony of abandonment!
Ravish me, again! Over and over!
I beg you to never leave me!
Yet you will, dearest dark night.
Oh, how you will rape me until I desire more,
And then you will leave me gasping for breath,
Clutching fast to the life line of a finally visible joyous help.
In a golden afterglow I will lay.
Bare to all the world.
A new born.
And as I feel alive, my love for you will evaporate.
Perhaps I will write you a thank you note,
So pleased was I how your torturous violation left me.
I will forget the pain.
Ah, yes, dawn has broken, dearest night.
Away you go,
In all your glorious, mysterious veils.
Away to rape another willing victim.
Away till I desperately need you.
Away till I desperately need to feel your hands tearing at my clothes,
Forcing me to submit to your delirious pain.
But, oh, how I love you, my dearest lady!
My own dark night of the soul, come quickly to my bed once again!
The covers will be thrown back, the shades drawn.
Let no one, no, let all!
Let all see the glory of your body twisted around my mind!
Kiss me again, over and over!
Let the day be postponed till I can breathe no more.
Let the world gasp in shock,
Their own desires creeping into them till they wish to rush into my bed!
Let the world join us in an orgy of misery and pain!
Glory, glory unto the highest!
Give me liberty in this death!
Beauty, sweet beauty,
Oh, how dark and sinister you are, my lovely lady.
Ravish me again, I beg you!
Damn the sun’s accursed light, stay longer with me!
But how sweet it is when you leave me.
Such parting brings sorrow, my lady.
For glory, glory unto the highest is the divine!
Yet your ways, your hips, your lips,
How they guide me to hate you, to need you.
Dear God, give me night again so I might feel her skin on mine!
Give her the power to take me so I might need you once more!
How twisted am I? To need her torture to feel you?
A sinner loving sin am I,
For I ask for her to bind me over and over till I cry and scream out for you.
Forgive me, banish me!
Send me to hell with her to accost me till I beg for mercy!
Oh, oh how twisted you have made me, Father above.
Weeping for you to abandon me so I might lust for dark, dark night.
And in that night, oh! How I cry out for you!
What Electra am I to desire a mistress so bitter rather than a father so divine?!
Have I been raped enough?
Have I cried enough?
Do anything, everything, to me,
And still I shall cry for the darkest of nights to descend on me so I might just taste the bittersweet loss,
So I might once again beg for your saving.
I am a victim to a higher power, lost in a tangled mess.
Save me not from her embrace, but from the hell I would live in without her, dear God!
Let the world sing and dance in laughter over insipid things, so long as you give me to the darkest of nights!
My soul cries out for that pain so I might just kiss the hem of your robes.
My soul begs for her skin to burn mine,
To break my bones,
To drain me of life,
Just to catch a glimmer of your light.
Dearest, sweetest, cruelest, dark, dark night of the soul come quickly!
Ravish me till I bleed!
Let me be your victim till God grants me pardon!
And once God has moved on, claim me again!
Over and over till God tells you to stop!
Let the devil set me afire,
Peel my flesh, inch my inch, from my bones,
Till I can no longer scream in pain,
Till I can no longer speak,
Till I can no longer beg for more, more, MORE!
Let them have their way with me, if only so that I might be granted pardon!
Dearest, father above, how sick am I to need you so?
In what more ways should I demand sickness and pain so I might see you?
I shall love every moment of hell till I die if I must,
But, please, dear God, let me be at peace in your presence just once more!
Oh, that beauteous moment of soft, soft joy!
That lovely, rosy hue of dew drops dipped in honey!
How glorious it is when nature sings your name!
How I long to hear your voice speak softly once more to me,
To call me home finally.
But not yet, you say.
Not yet am I to return home.
The embraces of the dark night of soul must awash,
Until I can return home.
Love her more than you loved yourself!
Love, love that bitter abandonment,
For it is God who will fill it soon!
But not yet.
Not yet, dear sinner.
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AndSheSmiled added a blog entry in Community BlogThat Darn AbyssThere are random moments when I become undeniably stuck in "The Abyss". Yea, that not so lovely, bittersweet, utter void of emotion and desire that comes along with musing. Sometimes it happens for a few minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days, somethings a week (hopefully I will never have it longer than a week -- the one time that I found myself stuck in the abyss for a week was a dreadful, dreadful time and the contemplation of suicide was utterly real. No bueno.).
I wont lie to you, dear reader on the interweb whom I will most likely never meet in person and thus feel an odd desire to write to you, I find writing what I'm thinking and feeling out for the world to read entirely theraputic. Yes, this is slightly sketchy, in some ways I feel like the Harry Potter character Ginny Weasely writing in a diary and getting responses from an unknown person, yet, I like it. Already, I am feeling much better than how I felt earlier, to which, here is a sample of how distraught I was:
"I hope someone makes a movie scene with me in it, smoking a cigarette and typing on an old typewriter in nothing but a white men’s button oxford t-shirt and underwear, so it can capture the pompous ass feeling I have right now. Make sure the person playing me is crying sad, angry tears.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I am, what I want to be, where I want to go. I don’t know if I really do think and believe in God or something more. I don’t know if I believe I am even writing this.
Why? Why am I so unsatisfied with what I have? Why do I desire something deeper, something more? Why do I feel like I desperately need something that draws me in and fills me up with completely understanding and fullness? I want to scream and kick at the fucking people who say I need to rely on God or who say it’ll go away with time. It might go away with time and I might need God, but it’s fucking happening to me right goddamn now and I don’t have the fucking strength to get out of this goddamn void by myself! Why the fuck can’t you get that?! Why do I have to cry and scream internally for something that I need but don’t know what the fuck it is I need?!"
Dramatic? Yes. Thereaputic? Absolutely.
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