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How old are you and how do you feel about your life?

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I'm going to ask you 2 very open-ended questions, answer however you want. Be verbose, brief, personal, impersonal, whatever.

If you're a lurker, please sign up and respond. I want to know about you.

(1) How old are you?

(2) How do you feel so far about your life?

If you aren't sure how to respond to that question, here are some specific questions, but think for yourself first:

1. How do you feel about your career? Is it fulfilling? Are you burned out?

2. How do you feel about your parents? Your children?

3. Do you think everything is meaningless? Is that good or bad?

4. Do you regret anything?

5. Are you scared of dying? Why or why not?

6. Is there anything in your life that would cause you to kill yourself if you lost it?

7. Do you think this is the only life you will ever have?

8. Do you feel like people "change" or do they pretty much stay the same? Have you changed? Stayed the same? Something beyond the duality I've set up?

9. Are you where you want to be?

10. Do you like yourself?

11. Have you mostly been happy and satisfied? Why or why not?

Me:

23

If you asked me a question like "how do you feel about your life", I think my response would vary widely depending on the time of day and the day of the week. 11:40 P.M. on a Sunday, and I'm laying in a dark room, stoned and listening to cheesy anime music, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? I really wanna talk to someone though. I told myself I should stop talking about myself, especially on the internet, but I need this right now.

I think so far, my life has been very cringe-worthy. I know a lot of people will randomly remember something extremely embarrassing they did or said 3 years ago, and it still bothers them... I used to do that a lot, but I got over it. It doesn't matter. People still remember, I know they do. Their mind will sometimes randomly replay that memory of THAT guy, and holy shit what an idiot. But it doesn't matter what other people think of me, what matters is whether or not I agree with it.

When you're young, especially if you've been sheltered, you go overboard a lot. You're experimenting with your identity, you're simultaneously trying to figure out who you are and how to act in front of others. This is confusing and messy because who you are is influenced by your interactions with others, and your interactions with others are influenced by who you are.

Maybe this is bullshit, but that's definitely how it was for me lol. Particularly after I dropped out of college. My entire conception about myself, who I was and where I was going... was destroyed. After being told throughout my whole childhood that I was "the good kid", "the smart one", by my peers, teachers, parents... then I show up to college, and I found out I wasn't smart at all, and I was kinda spoiled and lazy. So much cringey stuff followed after that... good lord. In retrospect, I was incredibly emotionally and socially stunted. I'm much more stable now, so it's okay.

When I was living in my own apartment briefly, I got into my first super serious relationship. She was super cute and we were in love. I remember when we would sometimes stay up the whole night in bed together kissing, fucking, and talking about whatever. Sometimes we just looked at each other in the moonlight.

Eventually she fucked my roommate. Heard about it from a friend, and my roommate rubbed it in my face. He thought it was funny. He sent me a text that said, "I win". I moved out the same day. I fantasized about murdering him.

It's an amazing feeling. Confusion, anger, and sadness colliding and exploding in your chest, then rising through your head. For a while I wondered if it was possible to die from emotion alone.

When I got over it, I learned that people are far more unpredictable than I can imagine. It's a bad idea to be too cynical, but realistically, people are unpredictable. Out of necessity and practicality, I extrapolate the future behavior of other individuals based on my observations in the past, but people don't always follow the narrative I imagine. I should never be surprised if the story unfolds differently. The same holds true for my own actions.

I really wanna go to Japan and meet a nice, humble, soft-spoken Japanese girl from the countryside. That would be great. =^_^=

I think my parents are great people, they're so human. They both made a lot of mistakes, but they really cared about their children. They could have and should have raised me differently, but hindsight is 20/20, and they did their best. A lot of kids are raised by pieces of shit... I'm really sorry I let my parents down. I used to hate them haha, I always said I wouldn't change my mind. I just thought they were morons.

I kinda feel like I'm spinning my wheels in my life right now, but I'll be all right. I got this. I can honestly say, I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I'm the happiest I've been since I was 16 years old and I entered college for the first time. Some days are so good I don't even know what to do with myself.

This might sound silly because I'm 23 and idk, some people who are 40+ would say I'm still a kid. Whatever, that doesn't matter, as if anyone has it "figured out", right? I don't give a fuck how old you are, no one's got it totally figured out.

But... I mean, everything I've ever done, and everything I've ever experienced, couldn't have been any other way. That's how it happened, at least in this life. This body of mine, this mind of mine, this is what I have. I can't unwind my life and do something else.

This isn't even my life. This is life. Just life. It's happening all around me. There's billions of crazy characters, and trillions of other plants and animals. Everyone has their own story, where they play the main character in the story. And all of their experiences and feelings and thoughts are as real and vivid as my own, from birth to death.

And who am I? I'm nothing, I'm no one. To you I'm just a filler, an extra, maybe I'm a character with a few lines here and there, but this movie is so huge. It stretches in every direction, infinitely, with infinitely many different ways to interpret it and look at it.

To virtually everyone on this planet, my life doesn't even exist. Despite how real everything is to me, how real and vivid my sensations and thoughts are, despite the fact that this is the only thing that I will ever know, until the day I go to sleep and never wake up... everyone is living in their own little universe. My death is not the end, and my birth was certainly not the beginning. I'm just a tiny bit of the story, which will continue on without me.

This used to be bother me a lot, but I think it's okay. You and I are not so different. We all coalesced from the same singularity 13.7 billion years ago, it's impossible for us to be truly separated. We'll all hold hands in the Earth and the stars one day.

When I think about that, my brain is like, "What..." I can't even handle my shit. It's beyond words. It's incredible that this universe is even happening at all. It's incredible that existence is even a thing, and it's here, right now, in this present moment.

You only know me as words on a display, but I'm really glad we were able to share this life together. No matter what happens, I'll always be here, thinking about you.

What do you mean I'm not here? We live on the same rock don't we? I'm barely around the corner.

I'm gonna grab a snack and pass out.

Love you ~

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