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2015 NFL Week 13 Picks


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With the playoffs right around the corner, the intensity ratchets up a few levels. And in the month of December, trends matter more than ever. The winning teams keep rollin' while the decimated teams keep slippin' and slidin' right out of contention. Yes, that does apply to my picks, having gone 11-5.

 

Now that's more like it. :cheers:

 

Game of the Week

Seattle Seahawks @ Minnesota Vikings (even)

Expect nothing but a classic slobberknocker between two smashmouth football teams – both being top two rushing teams in the league. Last week, All Day Adrian made mincemeat out of the stout run defense of the Falcons. While the Vikings have the superior RB, the Seahawks are superior at every other position. But they're not the same team away from Century Link. After stumbling to a 2-4 start, the Seahawks have won 4 in 5 games, but only one of those was against a good team – Cardinals – and that was the lone loss.

Minnesota by 3

 

Thursday Game of the Week

Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (+3.5)

Even though the trends are obvious, it's hard to pick the scintillating hot Lions over a suddenly desperate Packers team. After all, QB Rodgers is easy money when the stakes get high – especially when he's facing an inconsistent QB in Strafford. Even though the Lions beat the Packers at Lambeau a couple weeks ago. It is gut-check time.

Green Bay by 4

 

Rest of the Week

New York Jets @ New York Giants (+2.5)

The line is screwy, which means something is rotten in Newark. The results from last week shouldn't affect either team. If the Giants can run the ball, then they'll control the game, and QB Manning will make clutch throws. But they can't run on the Jets. And that'll be the end of the Giants.

Gang Green by 3

 

Arizona Cardinals @ St. Louis Rams (+5.5)

All of sudden, the Rams and their quarterback problems have turned the team into a laughingstock and Coach Fisher, powerless to stop the free-fall, is on the hot seat. Then again, the Cardinals haven't been blowing out teams lately, so don't lay the points. They lost RB Johnson, the fourth leading rusher in the league. Luckily for the Cards, they've a reliable rookie in David Johnson and last year's starter, Ellington, returning from injury, as well as couple other options.

Arizona by 3

 

Houston Texans @ Buffalo Bills (-2.5)

The Texans have turned it around, even without RB Foster. They have a fantastic WR in Hopkins, and a ferocious defense spearheaded by DE Watt. All of sudden, the Texans are the dreaded Team Nobody Wants to Face in the playoffs. As for the Bills, QB Taylor has developed nicely, but he's facing an indomitable defense that hasn't allowed more than two touchdowns in the last 18 quarters.

:eek3:

Houston by 6

 

Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns (+7.5)

The Bengals are tied for second in the AFC with the Broncos, and their tilt in week 16 should determine who gets the first round bye. There isn't a shittier NFL team than the Browns. Nobody knows who their QB is, not even themselves. But never take the road favorite in a division game if the line is over 7 points.

Cincinnati by 7

 

Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers (+4.5)

With that clutch victory over the hitherto undefeated Patriots, it looks like the Broncos are better off without the 39 year old QB Manning. And the Chargers are just TERRIBLE. The Broncos' defense will completely shut down the Chargers, no matter who's at QB.

Denver by 7

 

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders (+2.5)

The Chiefs survived a horrible start, and the loss of their star RB Charles, and keep winning decisively. As for the Raiders, they're still premature – at least another year away from legitimate playoff contention.

UPSET PICK: Oakland by 3

 

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (+7.5)

It's almost impossible to pick against the almighty Panthers, the last undefeated team in the league... even in a division game versus the hated Saints. They have been gaining momentum recently, and won the past three games by 21. Plus their bloodthirsty defense will devour QB Brees alive and charge New Orleans for domestic violence for allowing such travesties to happen. :slap:

Carolina by 10

 

Philadelphia Eagles @ New England Patriots (-9.5)

Even though QB Brady has run out of targets, he'll still throw for 300 plus and 3 strikes. Moreover, the Eagles don't have anyone on defense that's capable of slowing down the Patriots, who'll be even more fired up after blowing the game Sunday night in overtime.

New England by 11

 

 

Indianapolis Colts @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-6.5)

Even if QB Roethlisberger wasn't suiting up, the Steelers should handle the Colts. After all, Big Ben has a bevy of excellent receivers to take the ball to the house against the Colts' 27th ranked pass defense. Unless the Colts' offense goes nuclear and gains 500 yards, they're not beating the Steelers.

Pittsburgh by 5

 

Lame of the Week

 

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1.5)

The Buccaneers have turned it around, with 3 wins in their last four, plus an overtime victory over the Dirty Birds in week 8. While the Buccaneers are actually playing decent, the Falcons haven't figured out their slide down the slippery slope towards nowhereville. Pundits are even considering benching QB Ryan, since he has been responsible for the majority of turnovers that kills them. That would be a horrible idea, cuz nobody should allow a guy named Renfree to play quarterback. :shakehead: 

Atlanta by 3

 

Baltimore Ravens @ Miami Dolphins (-5.5)

The Ravens proved that they don't need QB Flaccid to win games beyond all doubt, thanks to their coach, John Harbaugh. However, the Dolphins fired their offensive coordinator Lazor, on account of being too pass-happy. The Dolphins lead the league in passing on plays (68%), plus QB Tannehill isn't allowed to audible at the line. But since they're facing one of the worst passing defenses in the league in the Ravens...

Miami by 4

 

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)

Yes, the Jaguars stubbed their toe last week, but they're still headed in the right direction. The only reason to watch this game is to catch future star QBs in Bortles and Mariota. :boring: 

Jacksonville by 3

 

San Franciso 40 Whiners @ Chicago Bears (-6.5)

Credit goes to GM Pace and Coach Fox for turning around the Bears after a horrid 2-5 start. They have the second best pass defense, and held QB Rodgers to a measly 202 yards on Thanksgiving. Just imagine what they'll do to the immortal QB Gabbert. Indeed, this means QB Cutler is for real. Until everybody believes in him – and then he shits the bed in royal fashion. You've been warned.

Chicago by 9

 

Shame of the Week

 

Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Racial Slur (-3.5)

One of these days, the Racial Slur will figure out how to win on the road. But they'll settle for a badly decimated Cowboys edition at FedEx Field this week.

Washington by 3

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Posted

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (+7.5)

It's almost impossible to pick against the almighty Panthers, the last undefeated team in the league... even in a division game versus the hated Saints. They have been gaining momentum recently, and won the past three games by 21. Plus their bloodthirsty defense will devour QB Brees alive and charge New Orleans for domestic violence for allowing such travesties to happen. :slap:

Carolina by 10

No! No!! No!!! You are wrong, wrong, wrong!!! Sean Payton and the Saints offense will wake up. Dennis Allen will quit using Kikaha as a second level LB. Jairus Byrd will be reinvigorated after snagging his first interception in years. Sure, we don't yet know if Ellerbe will be back, and we also don't know if Swann will be back to get his third concussion. None of that really matters. New Orleans wins because the team knows that Hugo Holbling will be in the house just itching to wear Carolina blue, and that will be enough to motivate this team!!!!!!! (And if you think I really believe a word of what I wrote above - other than the stuff about Hugo - then I've got some prime Louisiana coastal property to sell you, and we need to male a deal. By the way, if you watch the game, we will be sitting on the first row of the second level directly behind the goal post on the right side of your screen. Oh, even though I don't believe what I said about the Saints, I am still sticking with predicting that they'll be the victors.)

 

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders (+2.5)

The Chiefs survived a horrible start, and the loss of their star RB Charles, and keep winning decisively. As for the Raiders, they're still premature – at least another year away from legitimate playoff contention.

UPSET PICK: Oakland by 3

Kansas City wins for precisely the reasons that would make your selection an upset.

 

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1.5)

The Buccaneers have turned it around, with 3 wins in their last four, plus an overtime victory over the Dirty Birds in week 8. While the Buccaneers are actually playing decent, the Falcons haven't figured out their slide down the slippery slope towards nowhereville. Pundits are even considering benching QB Ryan, since he has been responsible for the majority of turnovers that kills them. That would be a horrible idea, cuz nobody should allow a guy named Renfree to play quarterback. :shakehead: 

Atlanta by 3

Renfree is a former Duke QB. That should count for something. No doubt something negative. I'm going with the team that is playing decently. Tampa Bay wins because the Falcons seem absolutely clueless -- maybe more clueless than the Saints? Nah. At Least the Saints know they have a talent deficit which Atlanta really doesn't have; so, that makes the Falcons especially clueless.

 

And just for the hell of it --

 

Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (+3.5)

Even though the trends are obvious, it's hard to pick the scintillating hot Lions over a suddenly desperate Packers team. After all, QB Rodgers is easy money when the stakes get high – especially when he's facing an inconsistent QB in Strafford. Even though the Lions beat the Packers at Lambeau a couple weeks ago. It is gut-check time.

Green Bay by 4

Hey, if I can pick the Saints, why not the Lions? You have to figure that the Packers wake up some time soon, but been figuring that for quite a while now. So, Detroit wins. And I'm more justified in picking the Lions than I am in picking the Saints!

 

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Posted

I expect a running diary of the game, or at least a live tweet of the monumental event of Hugo watching the Saints re-embarrass themselves. 

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Posted

I expect a running diary of the game, or at least a live tweet of the monumental event of Hugo watching the Saints re-embarrass themselves. 

It's up to Hugo to accommodate your expectation. He's more adept at such matters. I am willfully, intentionally, stubbornly incompetent and insist on staying that way.

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Posted

I have my Saints t-shirt with me, but I may need to wear something else to cover it up. I am expecting a massacre. :behead:

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Posted

I have my Saints t-shirt with me,

Good. But we probably should get you a new one. You know, for better luck.

but I may need to wear something else to cover it up.

Yeah, maybe so.

I am expecting a massacre. :behead:

Booooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted (edited)

boo-this-man.gif 

 

Edited by The Heretic

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Posted

Okay, this is how it went down. The Panthers score right before the end of the first half to make the score Saints 14, Panthers 13, with the extra point pending. And there I am figuring that I'll head out to the restroom before the rest of the crowd realizes that they all need to go, too. I mean, how exciting is an extra-point try anyway? So I get to the restroom and there is this loud cheer. I figure the Panthers missed the PAT. Then there is a loud and extended roar. Well, what the hell can that be?!?!?!

 

I get back to my seat, and Hugo says, "Imagine. I was here for the making of NFL history - the first return of a blocked extra-point for 2 points, and you missed it." You know, understated in that very British manner. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Okay, this is how it went down. The Panthers score right before the end of the first half to make the score Saints 14, Panthers 13, with the extra point pending. And there I am figuring that I'll head out to the restroom before the rest of the crowd realizes that they all need to go, too. I mean, how exciting is an extra-point try anyway? So I get to the restroom and there is this loud cheer. I figure the Panthers missed the PAT. Then there is a loud and extended roar. Well, what the hell can that be?!?!?!

 

I get back to my seat, and Hugo says, "Imagine. I was here for the making of NFL history - the first return of a blocked extra-point for 2 points, and you missed it." You know, understated in that very British manner. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's what makes the NFL great: it's ingeniously designed to allow for entertaining anarchy: anything can happen in any game. And Bill Simmons coined that Failed Attempt Return Touchdown for 2 points by New Orleans as FART. 

One hell of a game, and I'm convinced by the Panthers. Every would-be undefeated team has to get over that one game in the schedule where everything goes wrong & the other team is suddenly invincible. The invincible 1985 Bears were tripped up by a red hot Dan Marino in December, preventing them from going 16-0. The 1998 Vikings blew a midseason game vs the Buccaneers. The 2005 Steelers fell early to the Ravens. And everyone knows what happened to those 2007 Patriots. :trollfro:  

 

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Posted

It was a great game. We had great seats. From where we sat, we could see every play develop, and we would know that a TD was about to happen before most of the crowd did - just because of the view we had. The refs were the worst I've ever seen. That was irritating, but proof of how much fun it all was is in how very hoarse I still am. Hugo commented on how different Saints fans are, compared to the Jaguars fans he observed the week before when in Jacksonville. Football in the South has often been likened to a religion, and Saints fandom is a level beyond that: I guess that makes it almost an experience in the ecstatic realm.

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